My Struggle With Breastfeeding - When is Enough, Enough?

I’ve blogged over on the BabyCentre recently about my struggle with breastfeeding. I’ve since come to realise that my supply has decreased. It’s not enough to feed my little man and it breaks my heart.

He wriggles and squirms and pulls himself off and latches on again repeatedly screaming in frustration throughout. I’ve tried upping my water and calorie intake (so much so that I have a seriously chubby tummy making a comeback), I’ve tried expressing regularly (though this is tricky when he’s on my boob all day and I only get a few drops each time) and I’m now trying Fennugreek tablets which aren’t having much effect.

I promised myself I wouldn’t beat myself up about breastfeeding after my best friend had a hard time with her first but I don’t seem to be able to stop feeling guilty and determined to continue even though it’s having a negative effect on both of us. He’s starving and I end up in tears out of frustration and guilt, which only makes matters worse.

It’s hardly surprising that I can’t keep up as he will easily drain 8oz of formula in his bedtime bottle. That’s a lot of milk for a 3 month old and I know I shouldn’t feel bad but I do.

I want that closeness – the cosy feeding cuddles on the sofa. I like having him near me and I don’t want that to stop but he’s an incredibly sucky, clingy baby. We’ve never even been able to cuddle without him demanding boob, even when he’s not hungry. What if I’m taking something away from him emotionally by not feeding him myself? He won’t even go to sleep without sucking on a boob for comfort.

When is enough, enough? When should I cave in and just switch entirely to bottles? My little boy would be more content but I just can’t stop myself from feeling utterly shit at the prospect. I always said I’d aim for 6 weeks and I’ve made it 12. I should be proud but instead I just feel sad. Sad that it’s not my choice to stop but my bodies instead.

He needs to be weaned anyway before I return to work as expressing just doesn’t work for me but I wanted to do it on my own terms and not because my body wouldn’t comply.

Today is a low day and I am seriously struggling with this decision.

When is enough, enough?

When should I call time on breasefeeding?

Ebeck

April 10, 2015 - 3:51 pm

You are not alone! This is my story: My son is 4 1/2 months right now. I had a low supply of milk since the beginning. He was 7’13” at birth and 2 weeks later he was 6’10”. So the Dr. wanted him to start with 1 oz of formula every other feeding and to come back in 3 days. He gained 2 oz a day in those 3 days. I saw a lactation consultant and she would weigh him after feedings and it was clear that I put out very little. So to increase my supply I rented the hospital pump, herbal supplements, essential oils and all the foods that are suppose to help. They have helped some but not enough to keep him off formula. So I keep on doing both because breastmilk is so beneficial but it definitely is frustrating and takes a lot of work and time. I don’t know how long I’ll keep going. I’m waiting (secretly wishing) to see if he self weans. Sometimes he would refuse to nurse because of teething so I thought he was weaning off but now he hasn’t been refusing.
So my routine right now for my son who is 4 1/2 months is I nurse him and then he gets about 6oz of formula at every feeding. I only put out up to about 3 oz total and that’s in the AM when there is the most milk. I “try” to pump as much as I can but it does take time which is hard to find. I do 10 minutes after a feeding or 20 minutes if it has been 2-3 hours after nursing (only during the day, I desperately need the sleep at night). I take Motherlove More Milk Special Blend. I’ve tried others and this works the best but of course this is the pricier one. I would only make about 1 oz without it. I got the hands free pumping bra since my son doesn’t want to sit or lay alone, he loves to be standing.
He also was very gassy so I cut out A LOT of food. Dairy (including butter), peanut butter, garlic, onion, chocolate,broccoli, cabbage, potatoes, tomatoes, citrus and strawberries. The supplements made him gassy but I couldn’t give that up but if I eliminated the food the gas was tolerable. I also get the sensitive formula. I’ve heard people saying it is usually only until 6 months and then their gut is strong enough. At 4 1/2 months I can already tell he is doing better. The supplements haven’t been making him gassy. So I can be a little more relaxed in things. Like garlic and onion are additives in what seems to be everything! So I’ve been able to introduce that but just not if it is a main ingredient. Also Fenugreek is a major supplement that causes gassiness. I made lactation cookies with fenugreek and it made my son too gassy. The motherlove supplement has just enough that it helps my milk but isn’t too much for my son. I have now a new love and appreciation for almond milk, almond/cashew butter, crackers, dijon mustard, olive oil, and meats.
So that is my story. I’m not saying that it is the right way and I probably could be doing things better but that is what I’ve been able to fit into my life. I just wanted to share that with you. There is many days I want to give up and I can’t say I will be able to do this when I have another child.
My advice is, maybe try to give your son 2-4oz prior to nursing. My lactation recommended giving it before nursing to give him the energy to nurse. When I started the formula my son did become more awake. So I hope this is helpful in knowing so many have some kind of breastfeeding battle.

4 Comments

Polka Dot Family
March 29, 2015 - 3:23 pm

I’m so sorry to hear that you are having such a terrible time of it. Nobody but you can make the decision as to whether it is time to stop breastfeeding, which I appreciate it is no help but you have to do what is best for you and little man. Sending much love to you xox

Kelly
March 29, 2015 - 3:38 pm

Thank you Sarah. It’s so hard isn’t it – especially when your head says one thing and your heart another. Really appreciate your comment xx

Ebeck
April 10, 2015 - 3:51 pm

You are not alone! This is my story: My son is 4 1/2 months right now. I had a low supply of milk since the beginning. He was 7’13” at birth and 2 weeks later he was 6’10”. So the Dr. wanted him to start with 1 oz of formula every other feeding and to come back in 3 days. He gained 2 oz a day in those 3 days. I saw a lactation consultant and she would weigh him after feedings and it was clear that I put out very little. So to increase my supply I rented the hospital pump, herbal supplements, essential oils and all the foods that are suppose to help. They have helped some but not enough to keep him off formula. So I keep on doing both because breastmilk is so beneficial but it definitely is frustrating and takes a lot of work and time. I don’t know how long I’ll keep going. I’m waiting (secretly wishing) to see if he self weans. Sometimes he would refuse to nurse because of teething so I thought he was weaning off but now he hasn’t been refusing.
So my routine right now for my son who is 4 1/2 months is I nurse him and then he gets about 6oz of formula at every feeding. I only put out up to about 3 oz total and that’s in the AM when there is the most milk. I “try” to pump as much as I can but it does take time which is hard to find. I do 10 minutes after a feeding or 20 minutes if it has been 2-3 hours after nursing (only during the day, I desperately need the sleep at night). I take Motherlove More Milk Special Blend. I’ve tried others and this works the best but of course this is the pricier one. I would only make about 1 oz without it. I got the hands free pumping bra since my son doesn’t want to sit or lay alone, he loves to be standing.
He also was very gassy so I cut out A LOT of food. Dairy (including butter), peanut butter, garlic, onion, chocolate,broccoli, cabbage, potatoes, tomatoes, citrus and strawberries. The supplements made him gassy but I couldn’t give that up but if I eliminated the food the gas was tolerable. I also get the sensitive formula. I’ve heard people saying it is usually only until 6 months and then their gut is strong enough. At 4 1/2 months I can already tell he is doing better. The supplements haven’t been making him gassy. So I can be a little more relaxed in things. Like garlic and onion are additives in what seems to be everything! So I’ve been able to introduce that but just not if it is a main ingredient. Also Fenugreek is a major supplement that causes gassiness. I made lactation cookies with fenugreek and it made my son too gassy. The motherlove supplement has just enough that it helps my milk but isn’t too much for my son. I have now a new love and appreciation for almond milk, almond/cashew butter, crackers, dijon mustard, olive oil, and meats.
So that is my story. I’m not saying that it is the right way and I probably could be doing things better but that is what I’ve been able to fit into my life. I just wanted to share that with you. There is many days I want to give up and I can’t say I will be able to do this when I have another child.
My advice is, maybe try to give your son 2-4oz prior to nursing. My lactation recommended giving it before nursing to give him the energy to nurse. When I started the formula my son did become more awake. So I hope this is helpful in knowing so many have some kind of breastfeeding battle.
Mir
April 10, 2015 - 6:45 pm

Hi Kelly,

Your boy seems to be just like my girl, and I only have enough milk from by breast to feed my baby girl. From what I read here, seems that you’re facing the same struggle as I did, and I felt so frustrated! I also take Fenugreek, and it seems to work, but I never had enough milk to express.

I kept giving her breastmilk every time she was hungry, which was all the time, and put her to sleep with me, so everytime she was hungry – every half 1 hour – I just let her breastfeed. It takes some time for our body to adjust to the baby and vice-versa.

My husband sometimes gave some formula to her, while I was working for a few hours, when she was 1 month old. She only slept for 3 hours one time, when my husband gave her formula. She was only 5 days old. Yes, she was hungry, and I didn’t have enough milk, but my body started to produce more milk, and it will produce enough for her, but not enough to reserve for her later.

She is two now and she still breastfeed, besides solids, and she is a very healthy girl. You will see that whatever happens to you and your boy, it is going to be the best for both of you. Just try to relax and see what comes next.

I know it is really hard to relax when we can’t sleep and the most important person of our lives is not satisfied. I have a friend who had so much pain on her nipple, that she stopped breastfeeding her baby when she was few months old, and had formula, and that’s ok. You do your best to take care of your baby, and it is none of our business. The most important thing is to giving lots of cuddling and be there for your baby any time he needs you.

Good luck with your little one! <3