I’m scared. All of the time.
It’s become progressively worse over the past six months to the point where it is genuinely having a detrimental affect on my life and my relationship.
I read so many blogs from people who have actual problems. Awful, life-changing, gut-wrenching problems, and I feel like a fraud because this, to most people, will seem completely pathetic in the grand scheme of things.
I have always been petrified of spider and crane flies.
I have never much liked wasps (who does?)
I’ve never had a problem with Moths.
In the past six months my fear of spiders has grown exponentially. I am suddenly terrified of wasps and will literally shake with fear at the sight of a moth.
This probably all sounds pretty pathetic but it’s the extent of this “fear” and how quickly it’s grown and multiplied that is seriously affecting my life and leaving me in a complete mess. Some examples:
- We haven’t had the windows open all summer. I wouldn’t allow it and when our friend opened one I broke down
- Some days I don’t leave the house because there is a spider on the front door and I can’t physically bring myself to get passed it. This week my best friend had to rescue me because we had made plans but I couldn’t get out
- Last Saturday Alex went out with a friend and I went to do the weekly shop. There was a spider on the door when I returned so I sat in my car having a panic attack with the shopping defrosting for an hour and half until Alex got back
- I haven’t been outside in the dark for weeks for fear of moths
- I won’t go in my own garden because there are lots of crane flies and spiders
- Yesterday we went with my best friend and her husband foraging. I froze and had a panic attack because there were crane flies and couldn’t pick any blackberries at all for fear of seeing a spider
Writing these down, I know how utterly ridiculous this all is but I can’t do anything to control it. I have never in all my life been this severely affected by spiders.
If I were t0 analyse myself, I do wonder if it’s more a fear of things I can’t control. I have absolutely no control over something flying into my house or crawling up my front door and I don’t like it.
I’ve also noticed that it’s become more of a fear or the possibility of seeing or coming in contact with something, whereas I used to be scared only when presented with it. This is so much worse because I think about it constantly. I can’t leave the house for fear of it some days. The slightest tickle on my arm leads to a full scale break down because it *might* be a spider.
I know I need some help. It must have sprung from somewhere.
My GP is useless though. How on earth, when they don’t even take my brothers diminishing health with diabetes seriously, can I convince them that this is controlling my whole life and I need help?
It’s a phobia for gods sake.
I wish I could snap myself out of it.