from Sussex, with love

In need of Help

I’m scared. All of the time.

It’s become progressively worse over the past six months to the point where it is genuinely having a detrimental affect on my life and my relationship.

I read so many blogs from people who have actual problems. Awful, life-changing, gut-wrenching problems, and I feel like a fraud because this, to most people, will seem completely pathetic in the grand scheme of things.

I have always been petrified of spider and crane flies.

I have never much liked wasps (who does?)

I’ve never had a problem with Moths.

In the past six months my fear of spiders has grown exponentially. I am suddenly terrified of wasps and will literally shake with fear at the sight of a moth.

This probably all sounds pretty pathetic but it’s the extent of this “fear” and how quickly it’s grown and multiplied that is seriously affecting my life and leaving me in a complete mess. Some examples:

  • We haven’t had the windows open all summer. I wouldn’t allow it and when our friend opened one I broke down
  • Some days I don’t leave the house because there is a spider on the front door and I can’t physically bring myself to get passed it. This week my best friend had to rescue me because we had made plans but I couldn’t get out
  • Last Saturday Alex went out with a friend and I went to do the weekly shop. There was a spider on the door when I returned so I sat in my car having a panic attack with the shopping defrosting for an hour and half until Alex got back
  • I haven’t been outside in the dark for weeks for fear of moths
  • I won’t go in my own garden because there are lots of crane flies and spiders
  • Yesterday we went with my best friend and her husband foraging. I froze and had a panic attack because there were crane flies and couldn’t pick any blackberries at all for fear of seeing a spider

Writing these down, I know how utterly ridiculous this all is but I can’t do anything to control it. I have never in all my life been this severely affected by spiders.

If I were t0 analyse myself, I do wonder if it’s more a fear of things I can’t control. I have absolutely no control over something flying into my house or crawling up my front door and I don’t like it.

I’ve also noticed that it’s become more of a fear or the possibility of seeing or coming in contact with something, whereas I used to be scared only when presented with it. This is so much worse because I think about it constantly. I can’t leave the house for fear of it some days. The slightest tickle on my arm leads to a full scale break down because it *might* be a spider.

I know I need some help. It must have sprung from somewhere.

My GP is useless though. How on earth, when they don’t even take my brothers diminishing health with diabetes seriously, can I convince them that this is controlling my whole life and I need help?

It’s a phobia for gods sake.

I wish I could snap myself out of it.

Kelly is a twenty-something lover of all things nerdy. Cocktails and lie ins are her favorite things, neither of which she can enjoy since becoming a mum for the first time. She writes about everything she loves and loathes (with a little indifference thrown in for good measure!) She also blogs over on the BabyCentre about life as a new mum.


    • Kelly

      September 25, 2013 - 1:05 pm

      I KNOW 🙁

      Alex made me go to in the in-laws to pick up his post on Monday… in the dark! Full scale breakdown in their kitchen! Not cool

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