from Sussex, with love

27 reasons I’m too immature to have a baby

So I’ve been very quiet on the blogging front recently. We had a bit of a shock around my 27th birthday that threw us through a bit of a loop and it’s taken some time to come to terms with it.

But now we have.

It really wasn’t something we were expecting but it’s happened and we’re thrilled! So I would now like to officially introduce you to Baby Scissors. Due 22nd December 2014.

baby scissors

I won’t lie to you all – I’m scared. Really scared. I have a lot of stuff floating around my head but I’ve decided that it’s better out than in. So in honour of my birthday – here are 27 Reasons Why I’m Too Immature To Have A Baby.

  1. This wasn’t part of “The Plan” – at least not for another five years. “The Plan” involved making my life up as I go along. It was a solid plan and one that didn’t involve any actual planning at all.
  2. I am a complete control freak. Something tells me that this is not conducive to having a baby.
  3. I really love my Lego Minifigures. This may actually appear to be an advantage but it’s not. I love them too much to even let Mr Scissors touch them, let alone a child with sticky fingers.
  4. Pina Coladas are my friend. Sometimes they are my only friend. And gin. And Prosecco. And Pimms. I would literally kill you all right now for a strawberry cider.
  5. I am the laziest person I have ever met. This is not an exaggeration.
  6. I detest cleaning. I am very lucky that Mr Scissors does all of the cleaning. Every bit of it. But when I’m not working I fear that this responsibility will fall to me and I will actually have to get the hoover out  – this chills me to my core.
  7. I have always been too scared to hold newborns because someone once told me I could snap their neck if I don’t do it properly. This terrifies me.
  8. I love sleep. I think I will miss sleep most of all. If it were up to me I would stay in bed all day. This sounds seriously pathetic – please refer to point 5. I am already exhausted and not sleeping – I thought this started when the baby arrived?
  9. I can’t get my head around how people actually hold a newborn in a bath without dropping them under the water. Last night I had a nightmare that my hand slipped because it was soapy and covered in Johnson’s baby oil and it took me several minutes to get a good grip again – like a big bar of soap in a prison shower.
  10. I still have imaginary friends who I talk and sing to in the car on my commute to work.
  11. I have never purchased a pair of tights because choosing the right colour/shade/Denier confuses me so I just steal my mother in laws because I know I like them.
  12. I make impulse purchases. Big ones. On Saturday I was looking at all of the baby things I will need to buy, panicked and then went to Argos and bought an XBox One instead.
  13. I cannot get my head around the fact that there is a person inside me and it’s freaking me out. I have a little bump now but my brain keeps telling me it’s just because I’m getting fat and that I should eat less – then I remember that I’m barely eating because I’m too nauseous anyway.
  14. I am the most indecisive person on the planet. I can’t even decide what to have for lunch so I frequently end up not eating anything. How am I going to choose what type of parent to be or what name they should have when I can’t even decide what sandwich to have?
  15. Rude words still make me giggle. A lot.
  16. I photoshopped a penis onto the head of someone I hate last week and then laughed at it for 15 minutes straight.
  17. I still get overly emotional and sensitive when criticised. Sometimes I still feel like a 15 year old being picked on and it makes me cry. This is especially embarrassing at work.
  18. I really love violent video games. Particularly games like Halo, Mass Effect and Rainbow Six. I find comfort in shooting the tiny men in the head. I’m not convinced that this is healthy. I’m also not convinced that it isn’t.
  19. I am overly competitive. Last year I threw the board game I was playing with the in-laws across the room because they gave ½ point to Mr Scissors dad which I felt was undeserved. The game was Password if it makes this anymore acceptable (it doesn’t). I have also thrown friends out of a house when playing a pub quiz and I once threw an ashtray at my bosses 14 year daughters head, also during a pub quiz.
  20. I like ice lollies more than I like real food. I can cook real food and I cook it very well, but I will always choose an ice lolly over and above everything else.
  21. Spiders. I am petrified of spiders. I once refused to sleep in our bedroom for 2 weeks because I saw one and then lost it before someone could dispose of it. I won’t even allow the windows to be opened in Summer or Autumn and got stuck outside of my house for several hours  last year because there was one on my front door. I am fairly sure that my poor child will pick up on this and be a huge freak just like me.
  22. I feel too young. Maybe that’s just the shock, but I’ve started telling people recently that we’re expecting and I hold my breath each time because I feel as though they are going to judge me. I’m not too young. 27 is not too young at all, it is perfectly normal child bearing age. So why do I still feel like people will judge me and why do I feel so surprised when they are nothing but happy for us?
  23. I never buy socks – I always wait to be given them at Christmas.
  24. I don’t understand baby or toddler speak. Does anyone? Or is it just your own children you can understand? I’m worried they will be asking for something like milk and I just won’t know what they’re saying and will be staring blankly at them while they become more and more dehydrated.
  25. I am entirely, 100% FREAKING OUT about child birth. I literally cannot comprehend how I will even make it to December without having a nervous breakdown.
  26. Bra fittings scare me. I generally just go and buy the wrong sized bra to avoid the awkwardness of the situation. I am fairly confident that I will have to show more than my bare back when giving birth.
  27. I’m still not comfortable talking about bodily functions with my doctor. I generally just go a bit red and giggle awkwardly before changing the subject or pretending I came in because of hayfever.

So there we have it. I am far too immature to have a tiny person. Please tell me it’s not just me who thinks like this?

Kelly is a twenty-something lover of all things nerdy. Cocktails and lie ins are her favorite things, neither of which she can enjoy since becoming a mum for the first time. She writes about everything she loves and loathes (with a little indifference thrown in for good measure!) She also blogs over on the BabyCentre about life as a new mum.


  1. Katie

    July 2, 2014 - 12:15 pm

    Congratulations! I can definitely relate to lots of these =] you’ll be absolutely fine though, i promise. Its a huge learning process but you’ll get there in the end. Childbirth terrified me too, but once you get to full term you’ll be begging the baby to come out!! Good luck with your pregnancy =] xx

    • Kelly

      July 2, 2014 - 12:20 pm

      Thanks for your lovely reply Katie! I hope you’re right! Such a terrifying thought and even though my best friend has been there, you never really appreciate quite how much worrying there is until it happens! xx

  2. Manneskjur

    July 2, 2014 - 12:32 pm

    Awesome news – it may be a shock but it’s good news and you’ll make an awesome and fun mum!
    Randomly enough you are the 2nd blogger who I have heard is due that date ! Maybe Twitter was down and it’s led to a baby boom 😉

    • Kelly

      July 2, 2014 - 1:46 pm

      Thank you so much 🙂 I hope so! I’m already looking out for mini sheep onesies so we can match! 😉 Ooooh a due date buddy? Don’t know what you’re talking about… mine was immaculate conception!

  3. Em @ snowingindoors

    July 2, 2014 - 2:45 pm

    That’s great news, congratulations!
    I’m with you on number 26, last time I had a bra fitting I forgot to shave my armpits and have never been back in case the woman remembers me and laughs!!
    I was worried about the whole getting naked during labour issue, but once it’s happening you ‘ll do anything to make it end including taking all your clothes off and not caring about another human seeing your ‘private lady garden’ 😉

    • ScissorsPaperRock

      July 3, 2014 - 2:57 pm

      teehee – even lady garden gives me the giggles! Thanks for the reassuring comment! So pleased it’s not just me!

      That is a fairly epic bra fitting story too! I think I’d be feeling exactly the same. It’s awful too because I feel now more than ever that I need a decent bra – just don’t want the poor women to have to see my back fat! x

  4. Mummy Barrow

    July 3, 2014 - 3:02 pm

    Right… This is going to be the biggest comment ever. But as a mother of three I feel supremely qualified to comment:

    1. Nobody has a plan. If they do they are dull and boring Plans are made to ripped up.

    2. You are a control freak because you can be (I mean that with love). You can control things that have no choice. Like the fact things have to be straight / put a certain way. You can’t be a control freak with a baby. If they want to play at 3am, then dammit they are playing. I found the perfect antidote to control freakery was a baby.

    3. Put them on a high shelf. Babies can’t stand on tippietoes. Or in a box marked “Mummy’s for the future” and in the loft.

    4. Virgin Coladas are the mutts nuts. You wont know there is no alcohol. And just think of all the “designated driver” brownie points you are collecting. You can get shit faced over Christmas and New Year.

    5. Lazy is good. Laid back baby will follow. Trust me, I know.

    6. You will be too busy to clean, you will be looking after a small person. Mr Scissors is clearly so good at it that it would be a shame to deny him.

    7. Did you ever read a story of a baby having their neck snapped accidently? No. Exactly. Shut up.

    8. When the baby sleeps. You sleep. This is law. Even at 1pm.

    9. Use the sink. My kids didnt go in the bath until they were much older. Sinks are much easier. And higher.

    10. Me too. You can still sing to them with a baby in the backseat.

    11. You dont need tights with a baby you lunatic. Carry on stealing them but use the time that you are doing so as time for granny to babysit

    12. Excellent. Nothing wrong with that. Babies dont need half the stuff magazines tell us they need.

    13. Yeah, that’s a mind fuck. BUt you need to eat. Ginger biscuits are good.

    14. Heaven help you choosing names then!

    15. Me too but you will find other ways to swear when children are in earshot: FARKING ICEHOLES

    16. Keep that up. It is vital.

    17. Yep, we all still do that. means you are going to be an amazing mum

    18. Yeah, again, do that. Get it all out with the little men on the screen. Ten minutes doing that can actually save your sanity at times.

    19. You will be great in the mum’s race at school then. I hide.

    20 Ice lollies are all I can make without burning

    21. I actually momved out of my flat for two nights when a spider moved in and my ex husband was away.

    22. Rubbish. My mum was 17 and she was fab. I was 24 and not so fab. 27 is perfect.

    23. See point on tights.

    24. You will be naturallly attuned to your small person’s voice. Trust me.

    25. Dont freak. Just dont. It will all be fine.

    26. Come with me and lets go to Rigby and Peller, tis fab.

    27. You can never have too much Piriton. Just think, you are seeing the doctor for childbirth and wont have to see them again so dont be embarrassed.

    Unless of course you are planning on having a second.

    My eldest was four months old when I got pregnant with number two. Dont ask.

    (being on the pill / under cooked chicken korma)

    Honestly, when you see that little person that you made it will all come naturally. Women have been doing this for thousands of years. It just comes naturally. And if it doesnt, just shout at your favourite mummy bloggers.

    • ScissorsPaperRock

      July 3, 2014 - 3:51 pm

      There are no words to describe how utterly awesome this comment is and how it has made me feel 85% less stressed in an instant. I love you more now than the day you fed me Chablis. Please marry me.

      • Mummy Barrow

        July 4, 2014 - 10:38 am

        I am going to be at the end of your bed as soon as your baby is here and I am going to have a bottle of Chablis adn I am going to feed you again.

        And tell you how utterly beautiful your baby is.

        And how utterly clever and gorgeous you are.

        And before then we shall go to Rigby and Peller and have our boobs fitted into beautiful bras and drink tea and pretend this is something we do every day.

        I love you

        • ScissorsPaperRock

          July 4, 2014 - 11:51 am

          After Googling R&P I am now even more determined that this needs to happen!

          Thank you T – for your never ending support!! x

  5. amyrutter

    July 6, 2014 - 10:01 pm

    You’ll be fantastic, Kel, I’m sure no one has a clue what they’re doing to start with. Plus you have my babysitting promise!! 😉 xxx

    • ScissorsPaperRock

      July 9, 2014 - 11:33 am

      Well in that case… how can I fail?

      Please send photo’s of cats to keep me sane though :p

  6. Melloroo

    July 20, 2014 - 7:19 pm

    Umm. Kels.. ‘Baby Scissors’?!? I’m pretty sure kids and scissors don’t mix.

    Regarding point 3 – I am allowed to touch the minifigures. Does this mean you love me more than Mr. Scissors? (Damn foolish question I know).

    Also XboxOne, come on man. When will you learn?!

    Oh yeah, congrats and all that. Already surfing the web for the perfect Star Wars/Doctor Who/Lego baby grow, it’s going to be mega, as are you.

    • Kelly

      July 23, 2014 - 11:16 am

      Melloroo, my dear beloved Melloroo…

      I was sort of hoping that those child friendly scissors are OK… right?

      Point 3 – Yes, that’s not even a question.

      Playstations are crap – get over it 😉

      Those sound like the most epic baby grows in existence. You are a total beauty!

  7. Molly

    July 29, 2014 - 7:52 pm

    Well, first of all…. CONGRATULATIONS! I won’t lie, parenthood is challenging, exhausting and often a real bitch. But it’s also AMAZING and rewarding and totally impossible to describe.

    You can still play computer games after the baby is born – my husband does! And you can still swear – my parents do!

    As for alcohol, I hear you, and I won’t lie, that is a bit of a bugger, but you’ll be able to enjoy your favourite drink again soon, honest.

    The bath thing – buy one of these:
    There, no need to make a decision, I just made it for you. We had one with my daughter and it was BRILLIANT. No slippage or aching shoulders bending into the bath.

    Parenting decisions re. “What type of parent you will be” – you’ll be you. No need to pick a “team” or “tribe” or whatever you want to call it. I haven’t and we’ve survived four years just fine!

    Instincts are an amazing thing and they will guide you through all the tricky bits. And Google will help with everything else.

    Honestly, you will be FINE.

    P.S. Take up antenatal yoga. It’ll help with the relaxation and birth and is also a very lovely way to exercise and keep healthy without going to any effort. I’m 100% lazy and love it – you even get to have a little sleep as part of the end of the class!

    Welcome to the #BlogBumpClub – can’t wait for your next post now! x

    • Kelly

      July 29, 2014 - 8:19 pm

      Thank you so much for your awesome comment Molly 🙂

      That baby bath seat looks epic! I am sold – and on antenatal yoga! I’ve been really concerned about being so unfit and how I’ll manage in labour so this sounds like the perfect option!

      Thank you!

  8. @goriami

    July 29, 2014 - 8:21 pm

    I could have written this myself when I found out I was pregnant with Boo in 2007! I was so excited but terrified at the concept of giving up my body for 9months (and some) and then change my life entirely to fit in with a baby..yep I was terrified. How would I give up alcohol? How would I know what the hell I needed to do..?! But you know what, no baby comes with a rule book, and you do muddle along! BTW, I am laughing at 16. And as for 24. no sane person understands baby babble or toddler speak..well unless it’s their own baby or toddler who is doing’s a sort of code you speak in..or not..(I’ve never done baby babble..) Seriously though, CONGRATULATIONS, and enjoy the ride 🙂 xx

    • Kelly

      July 29, 2014 - 8:25 pm

      haha I’m glad – It’s reassuring to hear other people say that this is exactly how they felt too! Makes me realise that everyone struggles with the same worries.

      That person TOTALLY deserved a penis head 😉

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

  9. Polly

    August 6, 2014 - 12:48 pm

    Congrats!! You’re due the same day I am with my fourth 🙂

    You’ll be fine – I had my first at 22 and we were really worried as it wasn’t planned, but it all turned out fine!

    • Kelly

      August 6, 2014 - 4:06 pm

      YAY bump buddy!!

      Thanks Polly 🙂

  10. Sonya Cisco

    August 11, 2014 - 8:41 am

    haha love this post, I am most of those things and am 41 with 3 kids – you will be fine- I have my collection of toys on high shelves where small people can’t reach them! I once climbed out of my lounge window carrying a one year old because there was a spider between me and the door…. You will be awesome – two of mine were ‘surprises’ and I wouldn’t change a thing now- they seemed to arrive at the perfect time even if I wasn’t clever enough to have noticed it was the perfect time and plan them!

    • ScissorsPaperRock

      August 11, 2014 - 8:46 am

      hehe thanks Sonya!

      I completely know what you mean about “the right time”. I was being made redundant and it’s almost as if my body just knew I was a cross roads and though “yeah why not!”

      So pleased I’m not the only intense arachnophobe too! I’ll make a mental note to ensure that my lounge windows always have a step ladder near them 😉 xx

  11. DannyUK (@DannyUK)

    February 10, 2016 - 12:28 pm

    BWahahahahahaaaa! I bet ALL of these still stand, a year or so after baby came along. My eldest is 15 and I STILL talk to imaginary friends.

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